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Genesis

The sky in June
rises with horns,
my grandmother’s
about her neck in gold,
and sets with chelae, claws,
pincers, the many names

for mother.
A bull gives birth
to a crab, a crab to a ram,
a ram to the cusp
of scorpion and centaur—
the sky grows full
with parturition.

How many names
for this? The looking up.
The summer stars
and all their distant
meaning. The many
names for mother.

How animal
to fit inside
another
and human
to tear our way
back out.

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I feel a bit like I'm losing it and constantly failing with this whole "home-preschool," 24/7-on-steroids-motherhood thing, but I'm pretty proud of this invention to appease a newfound obsession with Baba Yaga. Here we have her hut on chicken's feet (избушка на курьих ножках), a four-eyed representation of Valen, and the witchy lady herself, broom and all. Now time for my nightly dose of wine and whining and then more wine.

Portrait of motherhood: before sunrise at the start of social distancing week #3 of ??? ... I have no energy to take on today, to structure the semblance of a "school day" for Valen, but Remy's outfit says "Strong like Mama" so let's do this... #momstrong #stronglikemama #momlife #mamaneedscoffee

After three hours of make-believe, let me repeat, THREE HOURS of me being Baba Yaga & Vasilisa & Kashei & Mama & Papa, Valen only has more energy to caste spells, while I'm fully ready to respond to "petrificus totalus" by passing out! Trying to remember that in a not so distant future, I will miss his desire to play with me, I will miss this very exhaustion.

An emotional milestone, longer being in the belly of world than in mine. Over a week late documenting this 9-month-old, who is now crawling and pulling up and beginning to cruise, smiling and laughing her way through all this with big brother making her laugh just as quickly as, as easily as he can make her cry. She is pure joy, pure love, and I couldn't be more grateful for my Remy Luray. Her time in the world will now always outweigh her time inside me, but I will never stop feeling that her body, like her brother's, is forever a part of mine.

Other women don’t tell you the hardest part of social distancing will be your child’s insatiable longing for touch. A new blog post today after no time or will to write, after the hardest day since this began. Read the full post by following the link in my profile. If love to know, what's been the hardest for you? "After ten days without school or friends or strangers, without almost any in-person contact with anyone outside of our house—save for his screaming, “Hi, what’s your name” at people walking their dogs or “Uncle Kareem, please come talk to me!” at our neighbor or “What are you doing here? Did you bring me a present” as he races to the door at the sound of a welcoming nock from a delivery man—yesterday, something broke inside. You felt it breaking as you watched your child broken by longing. As, on your daily walk, you watched him chase an older child who was riding away on his bike. Your son yelling, “Hey, hey, why won’t you just play with me.” As you watched him crash his scooter into another child on a scooter. Crash just to connect. Crash just to touch. As you heard him cry, “I just want to play with someone.” As he slammed his fists and helmeted head against the pavement at all the emotions he doesn’t understand. As you explained—for the umpteenth time—the virus and germs and distance and none of this made any sense to him, but you kept trying. As you let him hold your body too long and too tight, but still not long or tight enough to fill all the voids of contact he is feeling.... ... Holding him and crying with him to show that this longing, this emotion is okay to feel, to let out, to express. Hoping that letting out this emotion can transform to another kind of touch. This emotion can help him, and you, feel closeness amid this distancing. Being honest about what your body is longing for can help you all get through this. Because you can and you will. Together." #bloggermom #momstrong #motherhoodinspired #motherhood #motherhoodunplugged #motherhoodunfiltered #socialdistancing #preschoolmom #OtherWomenDontTellYou #morethanmama #writermom #writingcommunity #blogger #momlife #momlifeishard

Raise your hand or beverage of choice if, since this whole thing began, every day has felt like at least an entire week? I am getting 0 work done during, fighting my 4yo to engage in constructive activities, and looking forward to bedtime so I can have a brief moment to decompress (literally because I need to pump after spilling an entire fresh bottle this morning). I'm trying to remind myself that though these days feel endless, they ARE short-lived, fleeting, and in a blink I will be longing for the time when my children want nothing more that to be held, to have all of my attention on them. So, to remember this, I've chronicaled some of today's activities: writing out letters and numbers; counting and cooking asparagus and pees; making puffy paint and drawing with it and spilling it all over the floor and trying to eat it; and getting to blow out another birthday cake candle and make a wish and then devour the rainbow-sprinkled rice crispy treat. Not pictured is our workout and long walk and so many emotional outbursts and destroying a cardboard box rocket and things I've already forgotten, but the wish, I remember the wish, to be grateful for all of these minutes, especially the ones that feel the hardest, to know that one day I will be longing for them, to appreciate them while they are in my arms. #honestmotherhood #momstrong #momsofig #motherhoodinspired

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